You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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