This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
