Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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