Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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