my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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