There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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