He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
