You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I need a beard to bite.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
