You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
