Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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