I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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