Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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