ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
