I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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