I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
