John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i believe in u and ur pee
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
