Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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