grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
