once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
