I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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