THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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