Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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