I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
