im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
