i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
