I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
