If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
