I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
