If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
