I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
