phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
