Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
