I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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