WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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