I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
