dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
