He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
