Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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