just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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