Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
