the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I can't put those talents on a resume
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
