I am spending my child support on dildos
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
