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Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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