1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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