I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
