The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
