John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
