Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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