That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
