i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
