So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
