Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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