You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
